February 26, 2008

Ten Commandment Test

Here it is, the Ten Commandment Test. This is how I fair, not very well. Yet another reason to be an Atheist, all Christianity can offer me is hell and damnation. Let's hear it Johnny: "Neither is God in the least bound by any promise to hold them up one moment; the devil is waiting for them, hell is gaping for them, the flames gather and flash about them, and would fain lay hold on them, and swallow them up." Damn. Ha!
  • I am the Lord your God - An auspicious beginning. But at least it's ok, just read this. 0 points.
  • You shall have no other gods before me - Technically I follow this one, but only vacuously since I don't have any gods. While this may follow the letter of the commandment, it certainly doesn't follow its spirit. 1/2 point.
  • You shall not make for yourself an idol - No way, unless that coca cola bottle counts. I mean, I am a capitalist, right? 1/2 point.
  • You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God - God damn, I'm horrible. 0 points.
  • Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy - I'm in grad school, I never know what day it is. But even if I did, I surely wouldn't keep the sabbath holy. I'm not even sure when the sabbath is. Oh that's why, it depends on who you are. Can my sabbath be never? Then I could keep it holy, but wait, in that case I wouldn't remember it. I lose either way. 0 points.
  • Honor your Father and Mother - I got this one down. 1 point.
  • You shall not murder - A winning streak. 1 point.
  • You shall not commit adultery - Once again, I follow the commandment but only vacuously. Should I be praised for never punching George Bush in the face? Well, I've never had an opportunity, although if I did...perhaps adultery is similar. 1/2 point.
  • You shall not steal - Like I said, I'm a capitalist, right? An illustrative excerpt from the Enron Tapes: "Stealing? Nah. It’s f***ing capitalism, man. First we manipulate the energy flow, they start rolling black outs, prices go up and then we capitalize on it. That’s why they call it capitalism. Stealing is when you get caught." 0 points.
  • You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor - I'm good at this, even though they are *GASP* inter-racial. Shhhhh. 1 point.
  • You shall not covet your neighbor's house - I live in Southern California, of course I covet my neighbor's house. At my current stipend, I would have to put my entire pay check in the bank for 48 years to make enough money. A recipe for covetation. O points.
  • You shall not covet your neighbor's wife - See above. Shhhhh. 1 point.
Final score: 5 1/2. What does this say about me? For those of you in advanced math, there are more than ten commandments here, what's the deal? I don't want to be accused of being a catholic bigot, so I included all of the commandments, regardless of denomination (Jewish, Roman Catholic, Orthodox, Reformed, etc.). They all have ten, but they each get to pick and choose the best ones. I would take numbers 2, 3, 6, 7, and 8, the ones I scored high in. That way I would be moral, and could go to heaven, and spend eternity with religious fundamentalist. That's my idea of utopia.

1 comment:

Justin said...

I mentioned you. Check it.